Quote:
Originally Posted by skinny65
As someone who hasn't been following the league closely for a couple of years (yes I was one of the disenchanted. Clutch this Goodenow!!) I was hoping someone could tell me the traktor boy saga. I keep picking up bits and pieces, but have no idea how much is true and how much is made up internet fun. Thanks!!
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It all started in 1908.
1) Mikhnov's arrival on Earth in Siberia leads to the flattening of trees for 40 miles around his landing site. He is the sole survivor of planet Deereov, which exploded rather magnificently several light years away.
2) 1914-18: Mikhnov starts and ends WWI
3) 1919: Mikhnov forms the League of Nations, precursor to the UN
4) 1923: Mikhnov participates in every single event, for both Russia and Ukraine, during the first Winter Olympics
5) 1925: Mikhnov confirms the existence of galaxies other than our own
6) 1928: Mikhnov discovers Penicillin
7) 1937: Mikhnov publishes
On Computable Numbers
8) 1943: Mikhnov defeats German forces in tank battle (@ Kursk)
9) 1953: Mikhnov discovers the double helix structure of DNA, but selflessly lets other scientists take the credit
10) 1955: Mikhnov opens the first McDonalds restauraunt in California
11) 1961: Mikhnov returns to space as the first man to orbit Earth
12) 1962: Mikhnov develops the worlds first nuclear powered traktor, the B-4 Crazy Ivan
13) 1967: Mikhnov plays in the inaugural Super Bowl
14) 1970: Mikhnov drafts the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty in the interests of bettering humanity and relations between superpowers. He is forced to bounce Britain off a wall radiator until it agrees to sign.
15) 1975: Under the pen name of Solzhenitsyn, Mikhnov pens the legendary novel
The Gulag Archipelago
16) 1978: Mikhnov invents
Space Invaders, creating the videogame craze overnight
17) 1979: Mikhnov singlehandedly overthrows the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia
18) 1980: Mikhnov, too preoccupied with his invasion of Afghanistan, is unable to compete at the 1980 Winter Olympics. The heavily favored Russian side is unable to cope with his loss, and they fall to an inspired U.S. squad in the semifinal match. Mikhnov feels shame, temporarily retires from hockey.
19) 1981: Mikhnov releases the first portable computer under a partnership with IBM and Microsoft.
20) 1982: To spearhead environmental efforts, Mikhnov develops the worlds first solar-powered traktor, the B-6 Celestar-UV
20) 1982: Mikhnov, now showing some signs of aging, decides to clone himself; the new Mikhnov is in-vitro implanted, and born on August 31st
21) 1985: Mikhnov begins the modernization of the Soviet Union, coining terms such as glasnost and perestroika
22) 1986: Mikhnov leads the Reykjavik Summit
23) 1986: Mikhnov presides over the launch of Space Station Mir
24) 1988: Mikhnov swims the Atlantic to lay the first intercontinental fiber-optic cables
24) 1988: Cloned Mikhnov starts playing amateur hockey
25) 1989: With much humiliation, Mikhnov is forced to pull out of Afghanistan, claiming "we would have won if it weren't for all those damn flowers up on the hills"
26) 1990: Mikhnov begins his self-imposed exile from the world to work on improving farming equipment technology, specifically with the aim to revolutionize traktor teknology in the developing information age.
27) 1990: Mikhnov dissapears from the public eye, intermittent reports of his presence surface from the Loch area of Scotland, in the UK
28) 1991: Mikhnov returns briefly to dissolve the USSR and grant independance to many non-Russian republics and Baltic states
29) 1994: Mikhnov finishes the Channel Tunnel between Britain and France
30) 1995: Mikhnov returns to the public sphere, working as a traktor teknician in the frozen Tunguska wastes. Clone Mikhnov is sent to the Gulag to work on his skating stride
31) 1997: Working with a team of scientists in Edinburgh in his spare time, Mikhnov announces the cloning of "Dolly" the sheep - based on the same technology he used to clone himself in 1982.
32) 1998: Mikhnov introduces the B-8 Stealth Traktor, invisible to radar and impervious to cowpies. This traktor is hailed worldwide as revolutionary and also includes the first drive-by-wire system.
33) 1998: Clone Mikhnov travels to Moscow to play for Dynamo's B-team
34) 1998: Mikhnov develops faster than light flight, returns to his home galaxy to found a new society. Rumors abound that, on his way, he combined his DNA with that of Chuck Norris to create a new "SuperMikhnov" - whom he dubs "Ovechkin." The Ovechkin is sent back to Earth, to arrive in the year 2005. The Clone Mikhnov is left behind to ensure the general survival of the human race and to continue work on the B-9 Traktor - the Mikhnov legacy
35) 2000: Picking up where his DNA-daddy left off, Clone Mikhnov finds time, between hockey and preliminary tests on the B-9 Traktor (codename Nessie), to sequence the human genome. Clone Mikhnov buys a home in Novosibirsk.
36) 2000: After his plane suddenly loses control and crashes near Novosibirsk, Oilers scout Kenta Nilsson is forced to eat deceased members of his support staff. While greedily sucking the bones of one Barry Fraser and longing for salt and a lemon, the gaunt and wild-eyed Nilsson is rescued from the wreckage of his plane by a tall, shadowy figure in a dark cloak. Nursed back to health by the shadowy man, Nilsson quickly befriends Clone Mikhnov and tells him he will make sure to get him an NHL job someday. Privately, Nilsson wonders why this impressive physical specimen is always squinting and walking into pillars, but decides not to make an issue of it.
37) 2001: Clone Mikhnov plays 25 games for Moscow Dynamo then returns to Siberia, citing a lack of barrenness in Russia's capital as the main reason for his departure
38) 2002-2004: Clone Mikhnov plays 135 games for Novosibirsk in the RSL. Teammates are in awe of his stickhandling skills but wonder why he never passes the puck. Privately he reveals to his therapist that he never passes because he can't see the rest of the players on his team when they skate too far away. During this same period, the story of "Traktor Boy" begins to circulate amongst North American hockey fans. He begins to achieve mythical status. "Part legend, part idea" they say...as rumors circulate that he may actually not even exist.
39) 2004: During a routine physical, it is revealed that Clone Mikhnov is legally blind. He is immediately fitted with contact lenses. Reports of the event vary, but it is said that he was less than impressed with the discovery that he lived in Siberia. Oilers brass confirm that the part legend-part idea drafted in 2000 is indeed real, although they refuse to confirm or deny the rumor he wrestles polar bears as part of his offseason training regimen
40) 2004: Clone Mikhnov introduces the B-9 Broadband in the offseason, the worlds first high-bandwidth-Internet-equipped solar & nuclear powered traktor. Available with a zamboni attachment, wet bar, and sauna, the traktor is a huge success.
41) 2004: Clone Mikhnov requests and is granted a trade to Yaroslavl Lokomotiv to finish out the season. In his press conference, Clone Mikhnov suggests that he is too seduced by the lure of Siberia's traktor faktories, and the urge to make bigger and better traktors, to concentrate on his hockey career.
42) 2005: Clone Mikhnov plays his one and only season for Yaroslavl. He also competes, for the first time, on the international stage (as himself) during the world championships. People finally see him on live TV, in grainy, blurry images that could just as easily be a deadhead floating on the surface of the loch. He is compared, by Oilers (extremely) faithful, to a bigger version of young gun Ales Hemsky.
43) 2006: Clone Mikhnov is seduced by the dark side, gives two-week notice to Yaroslavl and leaves Russia to play hockey in North America. He has to evade capture, and fight his way through several Eastern bloc countries to recapture his passport in Finland, spawning epic tales of mystery and magic amongst the peasants.
44) 2006: Agents of the government attempt to dissuade Clone Mikhnov through threats and physical intimidation. He manages to escape, through a combination of trickery, guile, and good puck control.
45) 2006: First confirmed Clone Mikhnov sighting on Canadian soil. Optometrists report sudden spike in eye exams in the city of Edmonton as scores of Oilers fans refuse to believe their eyes.
46) 2006: Rookie Camp with the Oilers. Clone Mikhnov impresses, cooks a mean borscht for Kevin and Karen. Poor conditioning is attributed to his epic struggle for freedom and a general lack of polar bears to scrap with in Alberta. Clone Mikhnov does impress the Rexall staff with his knowledge of zamboni architechture however, and makes several noticable improvements to the Oilers "ice traktor" - a verbal agreement is reached that he will become chief traktor teknician and zamboni driver if he fails to make the NHL team
47) 2006-07 NHL Regular Season. Another time. Another place. Another story? Time will tell...
- - -
Something like that, anyway.
I almost relieved my self in my pants from laughing to much.
